Grand Theft Auto: Quahog
by Super Saiyan Buu
Summary: Think of Family Guy. Think of Grand Theft Auto. Now, put the two together!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_(ring...ring...ring...ring)_

"Hello?" Peter asked, picking up his phone.

"Hello, Peter, you need to do something for me!" the voice on the other end said. Peter could not tell who it was, because it had a deep, robotic tone.

"Who is this?" Peter asked in a confused tone.

"Don't ask questions. Just listen. You need to go to the bar and meet someone. You don't know him, but he knows you," the voice said.

"Ya mean I get to go to the bar? Will I get free drinks?" Peter asked.

"Umm, yes, if you go really quick!" the voice quickly said.

"Yes!! This is better than the time-" Peter was saying, before getting cut off by the voice.

"NO FLASHBACKS! GO NOW!!!" the voice shouted angrily. Peter hung up his phone.

"Who was that?" Brian asked.

"Some guy telling me to go to the bar," Peter replied.

"Go to the bar? That's gotta be a good thing! Can I come?" Brian asked.

"I suppose, I don't wanna be alone," Peter said, as he and Brian left the house. Stewie was riding his tricycle on the driveway. Of course, Rupert was in his lap.

"Hey, dumb dog! Where are you and the fat man going?" Stewie asked.

"To the bar, I guess," Brian muttered.

"That's a real good answer, now tell me before I destroy you with my ray gun!" Stewie yelled.

"I think Peter has to talk to some guy and get some information," Brain replied.

"Ohhh!!! Something interesting in Quahog? Can I come?" Stewie asked.

"No, this isn't for babies," Brain said back.

"Baby this!" Stewie said, as he pathetically slapped Brain on the stomach.

"Brian! Stewie! Are you gonna keep me waiting? This is worse than the time I had to wait for Christmas!" Peter whined.

"Ugh, Peter, you don't even know when Christmas is," Brain said, putting Stewie in his car seat and climbing back into the front.

"Hehehehehehe, that's right!" Peter laughed, and he drove on his way to the bar.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Peter, Brian and Stewie were still on their way to the bar.

"Hey, guys, let's play '20 questions,' me first!" Peter said with glee.

"Are you a fire truck?" Brian asked.

"Damn!" Peter cried. "How come you guys always guess?" Peter continued.

"You're a wet match in a dark cave," Stewie said, and then laughed. Of course, only Brian could hear him say this for some reason.

"Okay, I'll try again," Peter said.

"Are you a fire truck?" Brian chuckled.

"Whahhhh, you guessed again!" Peter whined.

"Ohhh, is the fat one crying? That really surprises me, although I suppose it's not the first time I've been surprised," Stewie said to himself.

_flashback to Stewie walking into the living room and seeing Brian watching a chick flick._

The three of them were at the bar now. Peter parked the car, and got out. Brian helped Stewie get out of his carseat.

"Stewie, keep Rupert in the car," Brian said.

"NO! HE COMES INSIDE! WITH ME! I WANT TO MAKE SURE HE'S SAFE!" Stewie shouted.

"Are you guys gonna make me wait again, like when I had-" Peter said, before being interrupted.

"Yes, like when you had to wait for Christmas, Peter. I already told you, though. You don't know when Christmas is!!" Brian explained.

The three of them walked into the bar. Since it was the middle of the day, the bar was nearly empty except for a few people here and there.

"Where do you think he is," Peter asked.

"Could be anywhere," Brian replied.

"Trying to find a criminal in a bar? That's gotta be about as tough as finding Lucky Charms!" Stewie said.

_flashback to Stewie trying to find a box of Lucky Charms before the leprechaun does_

"Ohh, good times!" Stewie laughed.

"I feel uncomfortable without Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire," Peter said.

"You have us," Brian said.

"Oh, yeah, a dog and a baby," Peter chuckled.

"Hey, Peter, you and your mutt come over here," a man said.

"Who said that?" Peter shouted.

"Me," the man said. He was sitting in the corner of the bar wearing a trench coat and a hat. He was trying to cover his face.

"Who?" Peter asked again.

"Me!" the man said, sounding annoyed.

"Who's there?" Peter asked.

"Over here, fat ass!" the man yelled. The few people in the bar and the bartender stared at the man. "Um, sorry, a joke between friends," the man muttered. Peter slowly walked towards the man and sat down at his table. Brian took the chair next to Peter with Stewie in his lap.

"Who are you," Peter said.

"Let's get down to business," the man laughed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Hehehehehe, 'business,' you mean you want me to take a dump?" Peter joked.

"What did I say about jokes?" the man shouted, pounding his fist on the table.

"Geez, calm down!" Stewie said, but knowing it was pointless because the man probably couldn't hear him.

"I heard you, little boy!" the man said.

"Who are you calling 'little?'" Stewie asked.

"Stewie, stay out of this," Brian instructed.

"Now, back to business," the man said.

"Yeah, speaking of that, if you excuse me for a minute, I need to go take a dump," Peter joked again.

"If you make that joke one more time, I'll-" the man said, before being interrupted.

"Hey, guys, keep it down over there," the bartender said.

"Umm, sorry, just practicing for a skit," the man told the bartender. He glared back at Peter so he wouldn't say anything. "I need you to take care of a loose end," the man whispered to Peter.

"Huh?" Peter asked in a confused tone.

"A loose end!" the man whispered, but louder this time.

"Umm, is your shoe untied or something?" Peter asked, but not joking.

"I need you to kill somebody!" the man said, so it could be overheard. The people in the bar looked over at them.

"Hey, guys, what did I tell ya? You're going to have to leave the bar now!" the bartender said.

"How about we don't?" the man shot back.

"How about I call the police if you don't?" the bartender replied. The man turned back to Peter.

"You know what, fatty? We'll take care of that loose end later! I need you to take care of this bartender," the man laughed.

"All these witnesses, though?" Peter asked.

"Have your child use his mind control device to get them out of the bar," the man explained.

"Yes, I finally get some action!" Stewie shouted. He the realized he didn't have it on him. "Umm, Brian, I don't have my mind control device on me," Stewie said.

"Ahh, crap, what are we gonna do now? Wait, I got it!" Brian said. Brian went in the middle of the bar. "HEY EVERYBODY, FREE BEER AT THE OTHER BAR ACROSS TOWN!" Brian shouted. With that, the few drunks in the bar ran out and drove their cars to the next bar. "That was easy," Brian said.

"Good one, mutt, but next time, be prepared!" the man said. He looked back at Peter, who was now over at the bar, talking to the bartender.

"So, yeah, I guess I'm supposed to 'take care of you,'" Peter explained.

"Huh?" the bartender asked.

"Yeah, 'take care' of something?" Peter said.

"What are you talking about?" the bartender asked again.

"Maybe it was some beer?" Peter said.

"Uh, okay, that'll be five dollars," the bartender replied. Peter handed the man five dollars as he filled up a glass with beer. "There you go! Hey, wait a minute? Didn't I tell you and your party to leave?" the bartender asked.

"I dunno," Peter said. The man, watching all of this, was getting angrier by the minute.

"Kid, give me your ray gun," the man said to Stewie.

"No, my ray gun!" Stewie shot back.

"Stewie, just do it," Brian said. Stewie fished his ray gun out of his pocket and threw it to the man.

"Thanks, kid," the man said.

"Something about beer and leaving?" Peter asked.

"No, I'm afraid I asked you guys to leave, or I was gonna call the pol-" the bartender said, before being shot with the ray gun. He disappeared in one blast.

"That was easy," the man laughed.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Peter asked.

"Why? Because you wouldn't!!" the man said. "If you screw up one more time, you'll be the one shot with this ray gun! Now, let's all leave before the drunks realize there isn't another bar!" the man said. The four of them left the bar and got in Peter's car, to the next possible mission.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Peter was starting to drive his car out of the parking lot.

"Alright, I want you to-" the man told him, before Peter interrupted him.

"I don't want any more trouble, I just wanna go home and watch some TV," Peter said.

"You can watch your TV when you do what is asked of you, you dumb idiot!" the man shouted at Peter.

"Hey, man, calm down!" Brian said.

"Shut up, dumb mutt!" the man replied in an angry tone.

"Haha, he called you a 'dumb mutt' Brian!" Stewie laughed.

"You're not any smarter, infant," the man said to Stewie.

"HEY! YOU CAN TALK TO BRIAN LIKE THAT, BUT NOT ME!" Stewie yelled.

"Stewie, I think it's best if we don't mess with this guy," Brian said.

"Yeah, listen to me for once," the man said.

"Yeah, listen to him, or he'll hit us with his purse!" Brian chuckled.

"Hehehe, is he gonna reach for his gun, in his purse, right next to his makeup?" Stewie laughed.

"Yeah, squirt gun!" Brian howled.

"YOU TWO!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" the man yelled. He turned back to Peter. "As for you, why have you not drove out of the parking lot?" the man asked.

"Ahh, I was thinking back to when I fought the big chicken, and then when I won, I ate some chicken, and when I was watching TV, there was a commercial for KFC!!! Hehehehehehehehehe, kind of ironic, isn't it? Wait, I don't even know what ironic means? Does it mean it has iron in it? Cuz if it does, the chicken I had that day tasted like iron, and I did hit the chicken with an iron pipe, and-" Peter rambled on. The man's face was getting red.

"Am I dealing with a complete moron??!!" the man shouted.

"Geez, I dunno, let me ask Peter?" Peter said. He got out his cell phone and dialed his home phone. Lois picked up the phone.

"Hello?" Lois asked.

"Hi, Lois, is Peter there?" Peter asked.

"Uh, Peter?" Lois muttered.

"Yeah, Peter. Peter Griffin," Peter said.

"You're Peter Griffin!" Lois said.

"No freaking way!" Peter yelled.

"Yes, you are Peter Griffin," Lois repeated.

"Okay, thanks, I'll try again later," Peter said, and hung up. "I guess I'm Peter, so I'll have to try later," Peter laughed. The man rolled his eyes at Peter.

"Just drive to the gas station," the man mumbled in anger.

"Great! I can get some beer! And some chips! And some M&M's! Hooray!" Peter shouted with glee.

"Just drive there, damnit!" the man yelled. Peter drove out of the parking lot and on the way to the gas station.

"Wow, what a day!" Brian said.

"Oh, you've had bigger days, right? I mean, writing your novel? Ya know...your little novel? The novel you've been working on...the book...little novel?" Stewie joked. Brian just ignored Stewie as Peter continued driving to the gas station.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Peter continued driving to the gas station. Out of nowhere, he pulled over on the side of the road.

"What in God's name are you doing?" the man yelled.

"I gotta call Peter back and ask him where the gas station is," Peter explained. Before he could take out his cell phone, the man hit Peter on the side of the head.

"Why are you such an idiot?" the man shouted. Peter was rubbing the side of his head.

"Now why did you go and do that?" Peter whined.

"You don't know how long I've been wanting to do that!" the man laughed.

"Huh! We'll see if I'll drive to the gas station now," Peter replied. With that, the man took out a gun and aimed it at Peter.

"DRIVE TO THE GAS STAION!!!" the man yelled.

"Whoa! Put the gun down!!" Brian said.

"Fine! I'll drive to your stupid gas station!" Peter cried. Peter drove back onto the road and towards the gas station.

"Imagine if the fat man had gotten capped?" Stewie said to Brian.

"Stewie!! That's not cool!" Brian said.

"I'm just saying, we'd be on the side of the road, hitchhiking a ride home, or maybe we wouldn't. Maybe we'd live in a tent...together...forever...then I could kill you in your sleep," Stewie laughed. Brian just rolled his eyes and sighed in disgust. Finally, Peter arrived at the gas station.

"Now, go in there, and get all the money you can from the cash register!" the man said to Peter.

"Why don't you do it?" Peter shot back.

"Don't make me hurt you!" the man yelled. Peter unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car. He went into the gas station.

"So, you think he'll fail?" Stewie whispered to Brian.

"I hope not, I just want to be out of here," Brian said.

Peter went up to the cashier.

"Uhh, yeah, I'm supposed to 'hold up' the cash register?" Peter said.

"What?" the cashier said.

"I'm supposed to 'hold up' the register or something?" Peter said again.

"You're not gonna rob us, are you?" the cashier asked.

"No, I'm supposed to 'hold up' the register," Peter repeated.

"Umm, okay?" the cashier said. Peter picked up the cash register and held it in the air. He continued for a few more seconds.

"You think this is long enough?" Peter asked.

"I don't know?" the cashier said.

"I think it is," Peter said, setting it back down. With that, he left the gas station. He got back in the car. "I held up the register!" Peter said.

"And? How much money did you get?" the man said.

"None! I just held it up in the air like you said," Peter laughed. He drove away from the gas station. "Where to next?" Peter asked.

"On the side of the road!" the man said. Peter pulled over.

"So, what are we doing?" Peter questioned.

"YOU'RE going to die! I'M going to kill you!" the man said, holding up his gun to Peter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"WAIT!!!" Peter yelled.

"What?!?" the man sighed in anger.

"Before you kill me, I wanna play '20 questions!' Can we play?" Peter asked.

"No! You die now!" the man yelled.

"Please???" Peter asked.

"Ugh, alright, fine!" the man mumbled.

"Me first!" Peter said.

"Are you a person?" the man asked.

"No!" Peter said.

"Are you an animal?" the man asked.

"No!" Peter said.

"Are you an object of some sort?" the man asked.

"No!" Peter said.

"If you're not a human, animal, or some sort of object, then what are you?" the man said.

"Uhh, uhh, uhh!!! You still have seventeen more questions left!" Peter nagged.

"I give up, then!" the man shouted.

"I'm...Peter Griffin!!!" Peter laughed. The man was clenching his teeth and shaking.

"I...hate...you...with...every...inch of...my...body!!!" the man yelled.

"Now that's no way to start '20 questions!'" Peter said.

"We're not starting that! You're going to die!" the man screamed, as he pointed the gun at Peter.

"Wait! Before I get killed, I just wanna know who you are?" Peter asked.

"Oh, my name is Bob," Bob said.

"Bob? You new to Quahog?" Peter asked.

"Uhh, yeah, just moved in a few weeks ago!" the man said.

"Then how do you know my name?" Peter asked.

"I'm a criminal, how do you think? I stole it from the police files!" Bob laughed.

"Why me, though?" Peter asked.

"It's nothing personal, it was the first one I got, okay?" Bob said, sounding annoyed.

"So you really don't hate me?" Peter said, sounding more happy and relieved.

"Not before today, no!" Bob said.

"What do you mean by that?" Peter whined.

"All the stuff you did annoyed me!" Bob shouted.

"Uhh, geez! I'm sorry! I guess I didn't realize I was being annoying! Shake on it?" Peter asked in an apologetic tone. The anger from the man's face disapperead. Instead, a look of sadness came over his face.

"You know, you're the first guy to ever say 'sorry' and to ask to shake hands!" Bob cried. Bob and Peter shook hands. "Thank you, Peter!" Bob said.

"You're welcome! Now!!" Peter said. Cops surrounded the car, led by Joe.

"You're going to jail for a long time, buddy!" Joe said.

"Whu, what's going on?" Bob stuttered, as he was being pulled out of the car and being put into handcuffs by another cop.

"You were just caught by one of the dumbest men in the world, no offense Peter!" Joe said.

"That's okay, cuz we're not playing football!" Peter said.

"How did you do it?" Bob asked, being walked over to the cop car.

"You see, we knew you stole Peter's file. We knew you'd track him down and do something. So, we tapped his phone before you called it. We also put a small microphone in the bear Stewie has so we could listen and get you at the correct time!" Joe explained.

"Oh, yeah?" Bob said.

"Yeah!" Joe replied.

"Well, once I get out, I'm getting Peter Griffin!" Bob yelled, as the cop put him in the backseat and slammed the door. Joe wheeled over to Peter.

"Don't worry about him, he'll be in the slammer for a long time!" Joe said.

"Oh, that's okay, I better tell Peter Griffin that!" Peter said. He took out his cell phone and dialed home for another round of stupidity.

AUTHOR'S NOTE- THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! I WRITE THIS TO TELL YOU I DO NOT OWN RIGHTS TO FAMILY GUY OR GRAND THEFT AUTO IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. I JUST OWN COPIES OF THE GTA SERIES AND WATCH FAMILY GUY OFTEN!


End file.
